Happy Anniversary
by Andrew Witkowski
Summary: A funny little one act about a husband that cheats on his wife on their anniversary. Performed at Illinois Central College, Fall 2001.


Happy Anniversary  
  
By  
  
Andrew Witkowski  
  
A man walks into his house. He is looking around his dining room/foyer suspiciously. Upon closer inspection, we see he has lipstick in his lips and a big red kiss mark on his neck and cheek. He pulls out his handkerchief and rubs the lipstick off his lips and cheek. He sets down his briefcase next to the coat rack. We can still clearly see the kiss mark on his neck. In the center of the room is a dining room table dressed up for a romantic dinner for two. A woman walks into the room.  
  
Amy  
  
Happy Anniversary!  
  
Kurt  
  
(Jumps out of his skin)  
  
Jesus, Amy! You scared me to death. (pause) Happy Anniversary.  
  
Amy  
  
(sits down at table)  
  
Well, how was your day dear?  
  
Kurt  
  
Probably the busiest, but the most productive. We closed the deal with that recording industry I told you about. There's an ad for a band named "Bent". So our slogan for them is "Get 'Bent'".  
  
Amy  
  
(not impressed)  
  
That's nice. Kurt? I got you a gift.  
  
Kurt  
  
I got one for you as well.  
  
Amy  
  
You first.  
  
Kurt  
  
Okay. Well, I got us reservations at "The Conservatory" and tickets to "The Proctologists".  
  
Amy  
  
Why did you get us tickets to the proctologist?  
  
Kurt  
  
Oh. Sorry, I mean "The Producers".  
  
Amy  
  
I see. Speaking of "The Conservatory", I thought I saw you there today.  
  
Kurt  
  
(pause, as if thinking)  
  
You couldn't have. I was at the office all day.  
  
Amy  
  
But the office told me you'd be gone all afternoon and you couldn't be disturbed.  
  
Kurt  
  
Yeah. I needed some time away from the office.  
  
Amy  
  
(trying to get an answer)  
  
And? Where did you go?  
  
Kurt  
  
I went to the restaurant to make the reservations and to have lunch as well. Then afterwards, I went to… (caught up in his fantasy story) … the pool hall.  
  
Amy  
  
You mean an apartment building.  
  
Kurt  
  
Yes, an apartment building.  
  
Amy  
  
Where you had sex.  
  
Kurt  
  
(nodding his head in agreement as goes to put his coat on the coat rack)  
  
Where I had sex.  
  
(jerks head up in cartoon fashion, noticing what he just said, turns around in shock)  
  
WAIT! NO! What are you talking about?  
  
Amy  
  
I had lunch at "The Conservatory". Today. You left with that ditzy-looking broad. You couldn't keep your hands off of her!  
  
Kurt  
  
Ditzy-looking? Broad, huh? Amy, I'll have you know that that broad is one of the best strippers in this city! (crosses arms, stays in same place)  
  
Amy  
  
Kurt? This is the Big Apple. Strip clubs are illegal here.  
  
Kurt  
  
(still in same position, as if frozen. Pause)  
  
Uh, uh. She works out of Jersey!  
  
Amy  
  
(not believing a word)  
  
Uh, yeah.  
  
Kurt  
  
Aw, hon. Look, I'm sorry. I couldn't help myself, I mean she was just SO hot… (looking like he's daydreaming, eyes widen and smiles, then snaps out of it, shaking his head) But honey. What can I do to make this up to you?  
  
Amy  
  
You don't have to do anything. I forgive you, Kurt. Everyone makes mistakes.  
  
Kurt  
  
Thank you, Amy. It will never happen again.  
  
Amy  
  
I know. I know.  
  
Kurt  
  
Now, um… didn't you say you had a gift for me?  
  
Amy  
  
Yes, I had fixed you favorite, Ribeye. But, if were going out…  
  
Kurt  
  
(interrupting)  
  
We can eat here.  
  
Amy  
  
Are you sure? (looks at kiss mark on his neck)  
  
Kurt  
  
Yes. What are you looking at?  
  
Amy  
  
You have a kiss mark on your neck.  
  
Kurt  
  
Oh, God! (Slaps neck as if a bug was on it)  
  
Amy  
  
(Shows off table like a prize of "The Price Is Right")  
  
Here it is.  
  
Kurt  
  
Wow. This looks delicious.  
  
Amy  
  
I hope you like it.  
  
Kurt  
  
I have a feeling I will. Uh, well, how was your day?  
  
Amy  
  
Oh, you know, I discovered my husband cheating on me.  
  
Kurt  
  
Oh, my. Bad question. (pause) Look, Amy…  
  
Amy  
  
Yes?  
  
Kurt  
  
I'm sorry. For all it's worth, I'm sorry. I feel like I should be put to death for what I've done.  
  
(eats a piece of meat)  
  
Amy  
  
I know. It's ok. Everyone makes mistakes. I forgive you, Kurt. Besides, as you said, it's your first time…  
  
Kurt  
  
ACK! HELP… ME!  
  
(Falls to floor, dead)  
  
Amy  
  
…that you should have thought twice about before I fixed you that steak with my specialty: salt, pepper, and rat poison seasonings, you cheating bastard.  
  
(Gets up from table, leaves room)  
  
END 


End file.
